Tuesday, September 11, 2012


If I were to be honest with you, I strive for routine and normalcy, but thrive in chaos. This leaves me at a bit of a stalemate most of the time. I have a list and schedule that I can follow and get everything I need to done and have time to do more for myself. Instead, I choose to sit on the couch and think about things (typically while simultaneously surfing the web and catching up on Supernatural on Netflix). Then I give myself about 20 minutes to do the ‘task’ that was scheduled to take all afternoon. I go to bed almost every night exhausted. Not because I am physically wiped out, but from emotionally beating myself up for not following the plan once again. It is a self-designed set up for failure.  I know myself well enough to know that if I want to get something done, I have to not think about it. Conversely, if I want to ensure nothing gets done, I plan it.
I am also too well aware of my fear of success and my fear of failure. When I put those two together, it is a clusterfuck of inaction and self-loathing in its outcome. Unfortunately, as GI Joe (at least in my memory) once said, “knowing is half the battle.” Knowing this about me is only half the journey into the clusterfuck. The other half is taking the action to get out of it. I am in a constant state of trying to get to the later.
Here is the rub, I am not sure I have sufficiently been beaten into a state of willingness to take the action necessary to dig my way out of the jam I actively walked into. I know that I can. But Alphas is on. So maybe tomorrow.

2 down, 754 to go

I have taken some pride in being a laid back, it-will-all-work-out mom. Two weeks ago, that pride took a major hit. Up until then, I could not wait until my oldest daughters started kindergarten. Knowing we were planning on a full day program, the idea of a whole 6-7 hours big-kidless seemed awesome. One week before the big day, I lost my shit.
As you may know, I am a control freak. At the meet-and-greet for the kids a week before school, we found ut they would be in seperate classrooms. All logic and reason flew from my soul when I read that and I spirled into a holy-shit-I-just-broke-my-kids meltdown. That is not an easy thing to do when I am standing with my two five year olds in a packed hallway where 95% speak spanish (duel immersion school). So I smiled, walked to the edge of the crowd and waited for my husband to arrive to proceed. Seeing his face releived some of the anxitiy, until we had to split up to meet the girls' teachers. We got through it, I was a total bitch to my kids the rest of the day (becasue that is my coping mechnism) and I cried myself to sleep.
The next couple days were filled with second guessing, deserate searches for jobs to pay $1 million dollars a year for private school, less deperate searches for jobs to pay for therapy and a lot of talking to other moms.
The day off, we were up, dressed, fed and at the bus between the ass crack of dawn and super fucking early. Grandma, Grandpa, Nana, Papa, Mom, Dad and little Sister all in attendance. Bus came, girls ran off (without a kiss) and they were gone.They came home, loved school and we did it again the next day (minus the audience). That was it. No more drama. No more tears from me. I was alright.
Then, it was my Baby's first day of preschool. Like her big sisters, she wanted nothing to do with the kiss-your-mom at the door fiasco. By the time I picked her up, she was happy, tired and ready to go back. I cried all day and then to sleep.

I miss them. But, after surviving the first couple weeks, I am getting stronger, but, unfortunately, the kids are struggling a bit. The lack of play time and quick meal times is starting to show in their attitudes and energy levels. Back to whining and snacking!
The biggest thing I learned from this process is that I am a good mom. I don’t say that to sound egotistical (but, let’s face it, I kind of am), it is just that my kids are ok. They were not afraid to try something new. They have been able to transition into a new environment well. I am also ok. I am not just sitting around watching soaps (despite my desire to). I feel good about this chapter. I am excited, scared and walking forward. There are so many exciting things in the works that I cannot wait to unveil and get moving on.